"As soon as you believe that a label you've put on yourself is true, you've limited something that's literally limitless, you've limited who you are into nothing but a thought." - Adyashanti

The mind is one of the most, if not the most, difficult things to control. I'm a thinker, I always have been and I think (heh see what I did there) I always will be. Even from a young age, I knew I was curious one, but not in the way most kids were. I kept to myself, I was quiet, I didn't touch or break anything, instead, I thought about the world from afar and from my own mind. That's something I carry with me today, I never stop thinking and sometimes it can be a burden and a bitch to stop and control.

May has been one of those months in particular where my thoughts can't seem to get a grip. This happens every so often, and usually when I'm left alone for a little too long. Mind you, as someone who identifies with being an introvert, I do need that time alone and I do like being alone, but sometimes, for extended periods of time, it takes a toll on me. Everything around me seems to get me on edge, and if I hear something that has somewhat of an effect on me, you can bet your ass I'll be thinking about it constantly and repetitively until my mind exhausts the thought, which it never usually does. This feeling sucks, truly, because while I'm hard on myself as is, being in this state puts me in a place that feels lower than rock bottom even though in the grand scheme of things, I should be content and happy. The funny thing about thoughts is that ultimately, we're in control of them. Us. The people in control of our own bodies. So why is it that the mind automatically likes to focus on everything 'wrong'?

In my opinion, it's a combination of things. I'm in a place right now where I have this unspoken pressure that I need to have my life figured out and the fact that I don't really messes with me. The more I accept myself as a person and acknowledge who I am, the more I see the ignorance still in the world which frustrates me, and it makes me hate who I am for a passing second. I feel like I'm suffocating and trapped and I don't know what the way out is. It's fear, the fear of everything unknown and ambiguous. The fear and belief in myself that I can't do anything right.

I usually would have advice on how to deal with this but honestly, I'm still learning how to deal with it myself. One thing that's helped me though is the quote that I started with at the beginning of this post. We often think of ourselves as one ultimatum and we believe it to be true, but we're people, we're constantly changing and so diverse within ourselves that we can't limit ourselves to an ultimatum that we set ourselves to. We have our own bias, and we assume that because we think something about ourselves, that it's true. We are more than that, I'm more than what I think I am and so are you if you're feeling this way, and it's up to us to see that and believe it. Another piece is a fact I've stated before: we're in control of our own minds and how we think. A concept that probably shouldn't have enlightened me as much as it did, but when your mind's in a dark place, it's cool to know that you've brought it to that place and that you can sure as hell take it out of there. Easier said than done though trust me, I'm still in the dark place, slowly trying to take myself out of it.

I didn't intend on my post back from my mini hiatus to be so deep and dark but I mean, the mind writes what it wants to write and maybe someone will read this and feel like they're not so alone in it. Let's listen to the 'Life Sucks' playlist together on spotify. I got you homegirl. Or homeboy. Or homeperson. Insert any other gender neutral terms, I got you with open arms.

Cover photo: shot by Van Bui