Here I am, sitting in my second coffee shop of the day, supposed to be finishing an assignment and yet I'm letting my mind wander as I'm staring out this window at the beautiful day outside. Despite it only being 2pm, it's been a great day, a great self-love day in particular. Today I was able to tell someone who is pretty much the sister I've never had, but still family, something that I've been wanting to for awhile now and her response and support was so overwhelming for me and filled me with so much joy that I can't really seem to concentrate on anything else besides the blissful happiness that's currently within me.

Anyone who has ever met me or even spent a short time around me would know that I'm a private person and getting me to say anything even remotely personal about myself is an entirely complicated mission within itself. I used to internalize everything, because I either didn't trust anyone enough or duh, I feared judgement and that people's opinions of me would change. At the beginning of the year, I spoke about vulnerability as something that had a great impact on my life because it taught me that being vulnerable meant being truly alive. Being vulnerable for me also meant opening up to people and letting those walls down that I held so high up emotionally. There's a sense of relief in being able to tell people who genuinely want to hear what you're saying, anything that's on your mind, and to do that is putting yourself out there and that's something to be proud of. Ever since I've been able to slowly let those walls down and actually let people in on my ever so busy mind, I've learned so much more about the people that I know I can trust and I've simultaneously also become so much closer with them. I've also been able to learn about myself, and allow myself to feel emotions and ponder them and realize that it's all okay. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is worth it, because that vulnerability lets you know that you are alive, that there are people who care about you, and the only person that was standing in the way of you seeing that was you.

I didn't realize all of this in one night, and I sure as hell didn't just start spreading my entire life story to everyone I encountered, but I am learning to open up to the people who I know care, and so far, it's paying off. To those who listen to me, thank you, you make me a better me. A happier and more free me. Also to those who listen to me, please stop me from spending 8 dollars in total on chai tea lattes in one day at two different coffee shops, thank you.

"As soon as you believe that a label you've put on yourself is true, you've limited something that's literally limitless, you've limited who you are into nothing but a thought." - Adyashanti

The mind is one of the most, if not the most, difficult things to control. I'm a thinker, I always have been and I think (heh see what I did there) I always will be. Even from a young age, I knew I was curious one, but not in the way most kids were. I kept to myself, I was quiet, I didn't touch or break anything, instead, I thought about the world from afar and from my own mind. That's something I carry with me today, I never stop thinking and sometimes it can be a burden and a bitch to stop and control.

May has been one of those months in particular where my thoughts can't seem to get a grip. This happens every so often, and usually when I'm left alone for a little too long. Mind you, as someone who identifies with being an introvert, I do need that time alone and I do like being alone, but sometimes, for extended periods of time, it takes a toll on me. Everything around me seems to get me on edge, and if I hear something that has somewhat of an effect on me, you can bet your ass I'll be thinking about it constantly and repetitively until my mind exhausts the thought, which it never usually does. This feeling sucks, truly, because while I'm hard on myself as is, being in this state puts me in a place that feels lower than rock bottom even though in the grand scheme of things, I should be content and happy. The funny thing about thoughts is that ultimately, we're in control of them. Us. The people in control of our own bodies. So why is it that the mind automatically likes to focus on everything 'wrong'?

In my opinion, it's a combination of things. I'm in a place right now where I have this unspoken pressure that I need to have my life figured out and the fact that I don't really messes with me. The more I accept myself as a person and acknowledge who I am, the more I see the ignorance still in the world which frustrates me, and it makes me hate who I am for a passing second. I feel like I'm suffocating and trapped and I don't know what the way out is. It's fear, the fear of everything unknown and ambiguous. The fear and belief in myself that I can't do anything right.

I usually would have advice on how to deal with this but honestly, I'm still learning how to deal with it myself. One thing that's helped me though is the quote that I started with at the beginning of this post. We often think of ourselves as one ultimatum and we believe it to be true, but we're people, we're constantly changing and so diverse within ourselves that we can't limit ourselves to an ultimatum that we set ourselves to. We have our own bias, and we assume that because we think something about ourselves, that it's true. We are more than that, I'm more than what I think I am and so are you if you're feeling this way, and it's up to us to see that and believe it. Another piece is a fact I've stated before: we're in control of our own minds and how we think. A concept that probably shouldn't have enlightened me as much as it did, but when your mind's in a dark place, it's cool to know that you've brought it to that place and that you can sure as hell take it out of there. Easier said than done though trust me, I'm still in the dark place, slowly trying to take myself out of it.

I didn't intend on my post back from my mini hiatus to be so deep and dark but I mean, the mind writes what it wants to write and maybe someone will read this and feel like they're not so alone in it. Let's listen to the 'Life Sucks' playlist together on spotify. I got you homegirl. Or homeboy. Or homeperson. Insert any other gender neutral terms, I got you with open arms.

Cover photo: shot by Van Bui

Love is a difficult concept, whether it be self love, the love you have for your friends, and oh yes, romantic love. Throughout the past couple months, the concept of love has shaped me and influenced my life in more ways than one and I never thought I'd be so thankful for it.


Growing up, when it came to the prospect of relationships, I had always been constantly bombarded by it and holy hell was it annoying. When you're surrounded by people constantly asking you if you're finally in a relationship and the answer you have for them is no, you're made to feel like there's something wrong with you. Reality check, you can't force love and you can't force a relationship for the pure purpose of pleasing people who shouldn't give a shit about your relationship status. Love isn't based on how you look, what your aspiring career field is, or anything superficial. When love comes and it happens, it hits you like the most amazing burst of fireworks, and you'll realize that some things weren't meant to work out because that was meant to be.



It's a weird feeling, knowing that there's someone out there who loves you the way you love them. I had never been able to fathom someone ever loving me although I understand how I love them. But love isn't something that's easily explained. It's so conceptual and only you can ever feel what you feel for another person, sometimes in ways that can't be explained in words. I imagine that being in love is looking into their eyes and having to look away after a number of seconds because your heart is about to burst with warmth, it's admiring them sitting in front of you and wondering how on earth someone so beautiful is yours, it's about laying in bed with the sun setting, the room gradually dimming, and saying "I love you" in between kisses because you're filled with so much love, it's about risking your life climbing a ladder to get to the rooftop and to feel so alive with the person who makes you feel.

It's a learning experience. You learn a lot, about yourself, about relationships in general, about communication, and about your own emotions. You feel like a different person with a new take on life, feeling invincible and that you can take on anything that comes your way. Being in love gives you the direction and drive you thought you lost, because they believe so much in you that they become your number one fan in anything that you do. You learn how to embrace your emotions, feeling so many of them in 24 hours than you've felt in an entire year, and you cry at movie musicals because you're able to relate for once (La La Land truly hits the feels if you know what I'm saying). You learn more about the concept of self-love that you even start to believe it, because the other person sees so much more potential in you than you do, and that concept in and of itself is mind-blowing and life changing.



It makes you unbelievably happy. The funniest and most ironic thing about the happiness that comes with it though is that some people won't like it. People become cynical and it's funny to watch when you yourself are on a path to learning how to love yourself and other people and finding contentment within who you are and what you love, and honestly, the people who hate that, aren't worth a second thought. That person that makes you happy and the happiness you feel is all that matters. 




Friendship love. Aside from the joys of romance, one of the most fulfilling relationships in life are the ones with your friends. The people you surround yourself with will shape the kind of person you'll be and who you'll become. They get to know your real character, who you are as a person, what you love and how to love and support your wildest dreams and what makes you happy. They fill you with so much joy with every inside joke, every coffee date spent drinking overpriced coffee, talking about the existential crisis' of life and solving them within the hour, every deep chat that happens in the car, afternoon's at their house when life just gets a little rough and spontaneous dinners at a Thai restaurant because you just spent hours talking about how you want to try something new. Above all, I've learned that friends are supposed to encourage you to continually grow and change to become your greatest self, and you're okay with that because you know they'll be by your side growing with you along the way. Friends truly fill you with gratitude and how lucky you feel to know them, telling them how much you love them a little too much because you know they love you back.



Love, as a concept and in all forms, is beautiful. A concept so ethereal and indescribable until you feel it, that has the ability to inspire and to send happiness rushing through your veins. A feeling that I hope everyone has the chance to discover one day.







Photos shot and edited by: Van Bui 

Happy 2017 loves! Just as another year has come and gone, I feel so relieved to be done with 2016. It was a year to say the least, and I have managed to feel what seems like all the emotions on the spectrum. 2016 was a year to feel everything deeply or not at all, whether it be coming to terms with the prospect of failure, missing and reconciling with amazing friends from high school, or even losing friends you never thought you would. This past year has thrown everything at me and I'm proud to be standing here at the beginning of 2017 with what feels like a fresh slate on life.

Towards the end of the year, I had taken a risk in pursuit of my own happiness and my own peace of mind and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Despite my life taking what felt like a compete 360° and losing people once close to me in the process, living my life for myself and on my own terms in pursuit of my own happiness has changed my life for the better. In the transition from 2016 to 2017, I've learned a couple things that I wanted to share with you considering they've helped me become more productive, and more importantly, truly happy. 

Number one, it's okay to feel sad. Trust me, it's okay to be upset over life throwing you countless curveballs, considering I feel like I've been thrown so many curveballs that I've become numb to the thought of life plans not going as anticipated. Life doesn't usually happen the way we plan, and it's up to you to take that sadness, take that curveball that life's thrown at you, and figure out how you're going to fix it. Earlier in the year, I had written a post on feeling stuck in life, where I just kept complaining about how my life had remained stagnant and I was perpetually sad and not doing anything about it. Never remain stagnant in life, we as people are always supposed to be growing and maturing and it's through taking those bad thoughts and bad feelings, and channeling them into solutions that you'll achieve true growth in your life. You'll thank yourself in the long run and you will adopt a more positive outlook in life (I'm living proof).

Number two, to be vulnerable. I had been shown a TedTalk of Brene Brown talking about vulnerability and a 20 minute video has never made me reflect on my life so much to the point where there were tears. Throughout 2016, I had numbed myself emotionally because I didn't want to feel certain feelings and in doing that, I had also numbed the feeling of happiness. Don't do that, I beg you please don't do that. I had experienced so many things that could've possibly gone wrong that I had almost become entirely pessimistic; I took my feelings of uncertainty and I made them certain by ultimately saying that I just wouldn't succeed. Brown spoke about vulnerability as not being a bad word, but to mean that we should live and do things that have no guarantee because that's what brings true joy. Being vulnerable involves being your own authentic self and stop being what people want you to be. It means recognizing that you are good enough, that we're imperfect but that we're worthy of love and belonging. To love with your whole heart even though there's no guarantee. To feel vulnerable is to be alive, and to feel truly alive is an ethereal feeling.

Number three, to forgive. Spending 366 days in 2016, one day too many might I add, I've learned that it's important to forgive. Forgive all those stupid petty fights you had in high school and just leave it in high school. Just call whoever it is you're still mad at over something that you don't even remember fighting about and just apologize. The peace of mind, the maturity, and the weight lifted off your chest that comes is so much better than holding on to things from so long ago. The people that you were fighting with then have grown up from the person that they've used to be and so have you. If people are against you making peace with others, it's a sign it's time for those people to go. Life is never an ultimatum, and if someone makes you choose, choose happiness and choose peace of mind. It's time to grow up my loves, and growing up has never felt so good.

Sitting here and writing this post, I have felt the kind of happiness today that could quite literally have made my heart burst. I'm so happy to be where I am at the moment; I'm surrounded by people who bring me utter joy, who empower me to live my best life, who make me feel loved, and wow I'm just, for once I am truly happy. I never want this feeling to go away and I just want everyone I know to experience the happiness that I do. I'm so thankful for the people that have pushed me and opened my eyes to be where I am, especially to the very special person who took these photos. I'm so excited for this year, I'm so excited to push myself in all aspects of life, and I'm so excited to invest more time in this blog. Let's do this 2017.



Photos shot and edited by: Van Bui (loml)